Mirrors and Time
by Kurokiyo-sama
Summary: Yuki becomes a drunk, and Shuichi has to bring him out of it. Mirror smashing, burning clothes, drinking coffee, crying in the rain...angst and everything.
1. His Own Private Hell

Kurokiyo has turned a new leaf with her name change. (I promise.)

Disclaimer: You're the world's 1st and foremost idiot if you think I created Gravitation.

Note: Shuichi is NOT CUTE AND STUPID in this story. In fact, he is actually quite emotional and to-the-point. Because I feel that the real Gravitation has gone a bit haywire. Actually, if you juxtapose Gravitation to my old fanfics, I'm sure you'll find that they both are very random and only good if you enjoy cheap humor. Not that I don't read Gravitation; for some incredible reason I still find cheap humor, well, humorous. . .(--)! Anyways, back to the point. Shuichi in this story is VERY DIFFERENT from the Shuichi you know. I think I changed Yuki a bit too. He seems a bit _uke_ at first, but that doesn't last for too long. I think. I dunno; I typed this note in the middle of the story while Yuki was still being _uke_-ish. . .Meh, whatever. Just keep in mind they aren't the Shuichi and Yuki you know and love, and ENJOY!

Shuichi Shindou reclined on the couch as he watched his cartoons. "Bang bang! Ow! You got me, you wabbit! What?! gasp, Ketchup!" went the social conditioning box (My dear little euphemism for my BELOVED television). Shuichi was getting tired as it was getting to be midnight. He gave a big yawn. He wondered, _when will Yuki come home_?

Shuichi made a faint attempt to pull up his olive carpenter pants with the drawstring. His boxers still shown, however, but he gave up and went to scratch his naked torso. He gave another horrendous yawn as he stared at the clock with teary eyes. He wiped his eyes with his fists as the clock went TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. The clock seemed so far away as he grew tired. He began to think insane thoughts as he drifted into the limbo between sleep and consciousness. _Yuki is a giant pink elephant. If he's an elephant, that means he can make tacos, which I will use to create a home for my belly button. . ._All this seemed so rational as he fell asleep. _And if I have a home for my belly button, _ _Yuki will be home tomorrow, won't he?_

About 20 miles from the couch, Yuki was still at the bar, drinking. _At this rate, I won't be able to drive home. . ._ He didn't really care, though. He chose to drown his troubles in liquor, as were the rest of the people in the smoky, dank vicinity. He plopped his head down and spread his fingers in his yellow hair. He stared at the clock. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. _Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form off my door. . .!_ he mused randomly to himself. Seemingly randomly, however. He grabbed the bowl of peanuts and munched on it (The bowl, that is. . . ()). _Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"_

The next day, Shuichi woke up with his hair in his eyes. He swept his bangs to the side, giving him a femme look for the moment. He looked up at the clock. 9:46 AM. _What a wonderful time to wake up._ He found his shirt underneath the couch, and he slipped it on as he walked to the kitchen. On his way, he turned off the morning news, which was telling the world that there will be rain today. Shuichi made a bowl of Trix and wandered off in the house looking for signs of Yuki. When he was done finding out the one he cared about most never came home, he was disappointed, not to mention angry. _Yuki never came home. _He set down his half-eaten Trix and sat on the nearest chair in the family room. He put his head in his hands and began to think. _Oh, God, what did I do to deserve this?! _But he wasn't going to cry. No, that Shuichi had to grow up, right? That Shuichi was still there, though. _I am mature! _He wanted to believe that not crying would make him mature in Yuki's eyes. Shuichi went to the foyer and he whipped on his shoes and jacket with an intensity and anger that would frighten dogs. As he stormed out the door, he accidentally let a tear slip.

Yuki woke up in the middle of a hotel room. His pants were on the lamp and his underwear was on his head. His shirt had vomit stains on it. Yuki felt the headache coming on. As disgusted at himself as he was, he knew he had to fix himself up at least a bit before he saw. . .him. _Shuichi. . ._ He knew Shuichi would be disgusted at the sight of him as he was now. The more he thought about it, the angrier at himself he got. He pulled off his shirt and gathered his ruined clothes in the trash bin next to the bed. He then picked up some matches and a pack of cigarettes from his bedside table. He placed the metal bin outside on the balcony and struck a match. He kissed the fire before he threw it in, burning his lips. He watched it burn, and when it was done he looked up at the sky. A wind blew, whirling his hair about. He took his hand off his hip and lit a cigarette. _What the hell am I doing burning clothes while being naked in public? Meh, whatever; it's not like I wasn't this low. _ As he was finishing his cigarette, he heard a door open. The balcony next to him, unfortunately, now had a middle-aged woman in curlers who made it very obvious that she felt she came out at the wrong time. He gave her a quick glare and went inside to take a shower. _Shuichi was right. I'm a good for nothing. . . _Just as he stepped in the shower, the rain began.

(Please note: I do not support public indecency, people; don't do that when you're in a hotel anywhere! ()!!!)

Shuichi walked into the rainy day and into the city park. This place always provided Shu-kun with a tremendous amount of Zen-factor and solace. But not today. Today it felt rushed and high on adrenaline. Since Shuichi didn't bother to get an umbrella, he was getting soaked. The water seeped into his shoes and made his feet extremely uncomfortable. Shuichi found a bench and took them off. He chucked his socks into the trash bin; they had holes in them anyways. As he sat there, he observed the rushed businessmen, the women running with the newspaper canopies, the amount of people who never really stopped to truly enjoy the beauty and symbolism of the rainfall. Shuichi spread his arms across the benches shoulders and squinted up at the sky. _I wish Yuki were here to enjoy this weather._ Shuichi's hair had flattened out all over his face and head. He slicked his hair back with a sweep of his hand. He didn't want to think of Yuki, no; Yuki had abandoned him. Shuichi gave a morning yawn, which let water down his throat, which made him get into a fit of coughing. The tears rolled down his cheeks as he slid into a hunched position. He clutched his stomach as he looked at the ground. His brain was yelling at him, contradicting everything he wanted to do. _Perhaps some coffee would perk me up. (No; you know that only Yuki can.)_ He got up, put on his wet sneakers, and walked to the other side of the park with a sense of false serenity. _Zen, my everlasting. (Yuki, my lover. . .)_ He got out the opposite side of the park that he came in. He had a quicker pace as he walked into the heavily trafficked road. _Ten fifty, still this busy. (Yuki, oh God, where are you?!) Oh, the people are all so late; what's this world coming to? _He laughed empty-heartedly as he pushed open the door to his favorite café. But no one had noticed the tears; there was too much rain.

Yuki stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his lower section. He wiped a circle in the mirror and peered at his image. He moved in close and glared at the under-eye circles he had. The more Yuki looked at himself the more disgusted he was. He snatched the hair dryer and smashed the mirror into bits with it, letting them fall into the sink. He looked at what he had done, and he breathed heavily. His hand bled from the shards that got on it, but he didn't care. He dropped the bloody hairdryer on the floor with limp arms. He stared down at his hands. _My hands!! Oh, God, my hands are not clean!!!_ His mind was screaming at him but he chose to ignore it. He clutched his head and hair and he began yelling hysterically. He slammed up against the adjacent wall and slid down. He was silent, but breathing heavily. He looked at his hands again. His breathing began to get more regular, and he began to extract the glass bits from his hand. _The injury isn't too bad; I'll still be able to use it. _He thought. He got up and wrapped his hand in a washcloth. As he gave it a good knot, he looked at the shards. Now he could see more of him; more Yukis. He glared at them, only this time it was with a sense of regret and repression. He stormed out of the bathroom. He stopped suddenly just outside of the bathroom. _My God, what am I doing? _ He looked at his hands again, how the washcloth on his right hand had gotten bloody. He looked at them with such a repressed, angry sadness.But the tears wouldn't come. He couldn't cry; just get more and more angry and frustrated and disgusted and. . . He glanced around the room with a sudden crooked eyebrow, wondering how he would get dressed. He finally realized something. _. . .I have no choice. I need to face him eventually. _ He sat down on his hotel bed, and he looked at the clock. 11 o'clock and TICK TOCK TICK TOCK! Yuki lit a cigarette, sighed, and picked up the phone.

Shuichi gazed at the store windows as he sat in the far nook of the café. He sipped his French vanilla cappuccino. It was as if his eyes were glazed over. He felt emotionless; he had spent too much on Yuki as it was. He was cold, even though the room was temperate. Suddenly, his crotch seemed to be vibrating. A Linkin Park jingle came from his pocket. "I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. . ." Shuichi picked it up before the song tore at his heart too much. "Hello?"

Yuki was beat up just by the sound of his voice. _He had been crying; it's so obvious. _Yuki was on the verge of letting it all flow out himself."Er. . .Shuichi? I'm at the Yorkton hotel. . .and. . .I need a favor." Yuki had to force the words out of his mouth; he was too ashamed of himself to speak to Shuichi.

Shuichi already knew who it was the moment he heard breathing on the other line. Shuichi wanted to yell, he wanted to scream, but he couldn't. His brain made him smile. "Yuki! Hey! Where are you? . . .A favor? Sure! What is it?" He replied, far too happily. _What am I doing?! _ Shuichi was beyond anger, sadness, and pain. He was below that, into the state of hysteric happiness.

_Oh, God, Shuichi, what are you doing?! _Yuki's heart was torn up by that cheery voice. He knew Shuichi was unhappy, of COURSE he was. But why, why is he being so nice to him?! "I need to be picked up and. . .a new set of clothes. . ." Yuki put his head in his hand. He could barely choke out the words. He began sobbing. "Um. . .Shuichi? hic Shuichi, are you listening? hic . . .Shuichi. . .I need. . .hic, sniff Shuichi. . .I. . ." The other line was silent. He began crying hysterically. "Shuichi. . .I. . .need your help!" He could barely say it. Yuki dropped his cigarette on his wet towel, putting it out. He kept sobbing there, with his head in his hand, hiding his eyes. He collapsed on the bed into a sort of loose fetal position, and his tears flowed freely down his cheeks.

Shuichi gazed at the table blankly. ". . .Okay. . .I'll be there shortly. . .What's your room number?"

"Shuichi, you're not listening! Are you listening?! Shuichi!"

"I'm listening." Shuichi said he was listening, but he wasn't really listening. "What's your room number?"

"sniff 217. . ."

"Okay. I'll be there in an hour."

Shuichi flipped the phone off and stuck it in his pocket. He took a deep breath and chugged the rest of his coffee. _Oh, dear God. . .Yuki. . .what's happened to you? _He sighed and got up.

Yuki laid there, sobbing, knowing that it would take Shuichi an hour or so to get there. _He's at his favorite café again. No doubt that he got there walking through the park. _He thought. Yuki looked up at the clock. 11:21 AM and TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. The seconds were synchronized with his heart. _Dammit, what am I?! What the #$ happened to me?! Shuichi. . . _There was a mirror across the room from the bed. Yuki glance at it in his half-fetal position and really looked at himself. He grabbed the remote control with every intention of shattering the mirror. But he ended up throwing it like he was tossing it to the mirror, not at it. The mirror only wobbled, and it did not break. No, it didn't even have a scratch on it. Yuki stopped caring about mirrors for the moment and buried his head in the pillows and wailed. TICK TOCK. _ Nevermore!_

Shuichi was done walking through the rainy park. Now he was home again, but he knew it wasn't home. It was a house that he slept in, day in and day out, with someone he wanted so desperately to find his own self. Yuki's self. The one he lost when he. . ._I refuse to think about it. _Shuichi thought.He stopped and looked at the apartment building as if someone he loved died there long ago. Shuichi sighed and went inside. Today, the three flights of steps that he had to climb to get to the apartment seemed like Mt. Everest. When he got to the summit, he opened the door to his very own hell. It was crisp and clean, but with a tight-gripped air that frightened him nowadays. The white on the walls often lied, and sometimes Shuichi thought seriously about getting red paint and painting everything red while Yuki was gone. Red. Deep, blood red. Satanic red. _Then the walls wouldn't lie anymore. _Shuichi thought.He walked down the hall and into Yuki's master bedroom. The room was huge, but certainly not in a royal way. There were no mirrors in there, not even in the bathroom. Shuichi went to the drawers and picked out red briefs and brown socks. _Task number one for Yuki, done._ He then went to the oak closet and walked in. Even though Shuichi has been living here for a year, this closet still seemed gigantic to him. He picked out a brown sports coat, a pink under shirt, deep brown pants, and those weird pink and brown shoes that brought the pieces all together. Oh, those shoes brought flashbacks of the great Yuki he once knew. _"Hey, Yuki, don't you think these shoes would tie that pink workshirt and that brown sports coat together?" _Shuichi remembered the conversation too well. He grabbed a purple duffel bag from the closet shelf and threw the items into it. He took one last look at the stale room, and he was off.

Yuki knew he didn't want Shuichi to see him like this, a half-naked alcoholic who had broken the bathroom mirror because even he, himself, was disgusted at seeing his image. The face of Yuki carried more weight than even Yuki knew of. Yuki himself was like a time-bomb nowadays. He wanted to change, but he was so drawn to the alcohol and all of the bullshit like a man to his office job. Second-nature, really. Yuki wanted to get out of that bed so much, but he couldn't find the strength to do it. He just had an emotional crash for the first time in years, and after all that time had passed he certainly did not know what to do about it now. He looked at the digital clock. Even though it hasn't been ticking, he still felt the seconds deep beneath his skin. TICK. TOCK. TICK. TOCK. A reminder of. . .

Shuichi gazed up at the quaint hotel. Not five-star, as Yuki would usually choose. But, it was still a fairly nice hotel. He walked in and to the reception desk. The lady there was like a parrot. "How may I help you?" She squawked. Shuichi became nervous. "I was invited here by a man in 217. My name is Shuichi Shindou." He said. She had a sense of recognition. "Ah, you mean the blonde Japanese man in 217? He was quite bizarre yesterday when he came in; wobbling like a piece of oriented rubber." Shuichi became furious at this statement and replied indignantly, "Listen, lady, just call up Yuki on that little phone you have there or I'll make sure your job goes in the hole for poking fun at my lover." The parrot lady's feathers were ruffled and her eyes were wide, oh, did they grow wider! She knew, however, that she did not want to say anything back for fear of messing up her job position. But, she didn't care that Shuichi had said that Yuki was his "lover."; this society was universally bisexual (Huzzah! Peace at last!). She picked up the phone and called room 217.

The phone rang beside Yuki. The clock said 12:28 PM. TICKTOCK, RINGRING! _That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. . ._ By now, his crying had stopped, but he still felt like he was disgusting. Yuki picked up the phone. "Hello?" He spoke in a quiet tone. "Good afternoon, sir, how are you today?" Squawked the parrot lady. "Good, get to the point." Replied Yuki in his usual tone. The parrot lady was quickly beginning to dislike this couple. "Well, there's a man named Shuwee-chee Shin-dow here, asking to gain entrance into your suite." Yuki sighed at her poor Japanese pronunciation, but now was not the time to be chastising Americans about crappy accents. "Okay, thank you, send him up, _baka." _ Yuki said. The parrot lady was confused. She said in a neutral tone, "Excuse me, sir, what was that last direction?" Yuki was laughing on his brain, but gave a grin to his mouth. "'Please,' it was." He said. The parrot lady squawked an "of course" and sent up a guest pass with a Shuichi attached to it.

And now, I think it's about time we had a break from this story. Whoo! What emotions, eh? I tried my very best to make your eyes glued to the screen. Actually, while I was typing this, I didn't really want to get up. I wanted to see where my brain would take this story. I'm not the one who created this story; it was all my sub-conscious and Shuichi and Yuki! A lot of the symbolism came on accident, too. At the beginning, I didn't even know what I was doing when I was quoting Edgar Allan Poe. After a few paragraphs, it came to me. Clocks were suddenly the Raven himself and the mirrors were the Black Cat! Not that Yuki is doomed to never see a Lenore person or kill his wife. In this story, "Lenore" is now replaced with Yuki's old self. The more the clocks tick, the further Yuki is from his good old self. Thus, the drinking. And the mirrors keep reflecting his image. The mirrors know who Yuki really is, and they're showing what a horror he's become to him. Thus, he destroys them as the man gouged out the eye of and hung by noose the black cat. I'm an Edgar Allan Poe fan, how much does it show?! Oh, and remember the "Oh, God, my hands, my hands are not clean!" thing? Yeah, I got lazy and kinda forgot about it, honestly. . .Don't worry, though, I'll get to it. . .(at some point or another. . .)

Over n' Out. . .

Kurokiyo


	2. Just Two Lovers in a Hotel Room

Gawd, I would first like to state how completely lazy I am. . .Sorry it took so long to update. Junior year in high school is a pain in the arse; you'd be surprised. Thanks for your appreciative comments!!! I had no idea people like it when Yuki burns clothes. . .()! Nah, I'm kidding. But I am happy that you guys like my fanfic. . .um, so far, at least. . .

(-o) Thanks again, and keep reading!

Disclaimer: Do I even need a disclaimer to explain to you that I haven't made Gravitation?! GAWD, you're SUCH an IDIOT!!!!

Shuichi looked at the cheesy advertisements on the elevator about Viagra and Celebrex. _Enlarge my penis or get high cholesterol. Tough call. _The musical notes of the elevator music made his hips sway from side to side. Good elevator music does that. Shuichi wondered what Yuki would say to him once he got through that hotel room door. "Hey, Shuichi, let's have a party." "Hey, Shuichi, go get me a gun." The endless possibilities danced inside his head. Suddenly, the elevator stopped and the door opened.

Yuki on the back of his door he did wait. He glanced at the clock once more. 12:35. _ Nevermore, _TICK TOCK. Knock, knock. Yuki jumped off the door in a fright. Knock, knock, "Yuki?" _As of someone rapping, rapping at my chamber door-- _Yuki wiped the sweat off his brow and thought himself silly for being frightened at the knock of Shuichi's gentle hand. He put his hand on the knob and opened the door. Shuichi's figure was revealed as if he was behind a curtain. His pink hair was the first thing Yuki looked at, but he quickly reverted his eyes to Shuichi's.

Shuichi was confused. _Why is Yuki standing there? Is he going to let me in? It's already been a minute, buddy. . ._ Shuichi got impatient and shoved the gaudy duffel bag into Yuki's confuzzled arms. Yuki finally moved aside, giving Shuichi the opportunity to go sit down on the bed. _Perched, and sat, and nothing more._ Shuichi glanced at Yuki's bloody hand. He ran up to Yuki, who was just about to go into the bathroom. "What happened to your hand?! It's all bloody!" Yuki sighed. He laid his good hand on the doorknob to the bathroom. He looked at Shuichi with his sinful eyes. "If I showed you, would it make anything better?" He opened the door. Shuichi gasped. "What happened?! Did someone attack you?! I'll get him!" Yuki grabbed Shuichi's arm before he could get out of the door. "No. I did it myself. Go sit on the bed, I'll change, and then we'll talk." Shuichi looked into Yuki's eyes as if he didn't trust him for that one moment. He looked away and reluctantly went to the bed.

Far away. . .

The woman looked up from the sidewalk at Yuki's apartment. It was as if her sparkling green champagne eyes were made of glass; the way she gazed at the building made it seem as if her eyes were glazed over. She held tight to the string of her shoulder bag, her knuckles growing white. Her face was hateful, and her tears were slight. She closed them tightly, then reopened them with a new determination. She stormed up to the building, and there was never a storm that quite matched the one that would come from her. Her blonde hair was fire, and the fire burned so brightly it was blinding as she walked under the brilliantly lit sky. The rain was gone, but that was only a warning for what would come next.

Author's note: Was it really Celebrex that gives you high cholesterol? Or did it just increase one's risk of heart problems? I forget. Neh, minor detail; I don't think it matters. . .

Yuki pulled a watch out of the gaudy duffel bag. _1:15 pm. _As Yuki dressed, he wondered what normal people did at this time. _Finish up lunch. . ._ Not like him, he who burns clothes and scares middle-aged wives. Not normal. What was normal? Yuki stared at the shattered mirror. The bits and pieces were scattered until the toilet. Staring back at him were the thousand Yukis. Each one more scared of the next moment than the last.

Outside, Shuichi had left the bed and ventured to the balcony. The 1:15 air pulled him to the edge, to lean on the banister. He closed his eyes and breathed, the sun making his lids red instead of black. He opened them, and he found a huge band of rainbow tying the clouds together. Shuichi heard something. He looked over to the next balcony. The middle-aged lady was talking on her cell phone. Her hair was curled all the way up to the sky, it seemed, and her clothes were an eyesore. Her purple and mauve belted waist robe clashed significantly with her yellow turtleneck, and her thigh squeezing knee skirt did no justice for the cellulite in her spider-veined calves. She held her hands up and motioned them pompously as she spoke, though no one but Shuichi and her could see. She seemed angry. Shuichi tried listening. "And there was this crazy blonde Japanese man. . .no, Charlene, he was naked! He was burning his clothes in a wastebasket! Honey, yes he did. . .sigh YES, Charlene, his package was nice, but that's not the- . . .Call the police? You think so?" Shuichi's eyes widened. _ Ack,Yuki! Wha'dyado?! What do WE do NOW!? _Shuichi was panicking, but he certainly didn't look it. The middle aged lady caught Shuichi's gaze. She narrowed her eyes and turned indignantly and swept her feet into her room.

Inside, Yuki looked at himself in the mirror that he had failed to destroy. _I remember this outfit. . .I still don't think brown and pink go with my yellow hair. . ._ Yuki looked out to the balcony as Shuichi had his delicate hand on the sliding door. Shuichi looked a little anxious. Shuichi walked in and stared at the floor. Yuki went up to him and grasped the sides of Shuichi's arms. "What's wrong?"

Shuichi looked into Yuki's eyes. "We gotta get outta here."


	3. Running From Himself

June 4, 2005

I laugh at my reader's straining ear pains. Not that one can hear a story that's written down and not ever spoken. Sorry I didn't update in a while. I just got sort of. . .er. . .lazy. Very lazy. And that's saying it _tactfully. _

Whatever. Let's start the show already, huh?

_I look up at the moon_

_And all I see is myself_

_Hanging up there_

_Lonely, with nothing to be around_

_But stars, who don't even talk back_

_Cold and white, pale, empty_

_Who am I? Who am I?_

_But a reflection_

_Of the black bird's words. . ._

_Of the black bird's words. . ._

"Yuki. . .It's okay. . .it's only public nudity. . ."

_But if they caught me. . .they'd find out. . ._

"Shuichi, we're checking out. Now."

"Yuki. . .I. . ." Shuichi couldn't get out what he wanted to say. Yuki was already checking out with the remote control. (You can check out of some hotel rooms with a remote control and the TV, believe it or not.)

Shuichi didn't bother to ask. He gathered up the duffel bag and what was left of Yuki's belongings.

_Crap. . .how am I gonna explain a broken mirror? _Yuki ran to the bathroom, as if one last look would give him the answer. Shuichi was bewildered. "Hey, Yuki, what's wrong?" Yuki gave a nervous smile. "N-Nothing!" He ran and grabbed Shuichi's arm and ran out into the hallway. "Yuki! You're hurting my arm!" Yuki closed his ears to the complaint and dashed for the elevator, pulling Shuichi in with him. Shuichi fell to the other side of the elevator as Yuki jabbed at the first floor button. When they got to the bottom, Yuki dashed to the counter with Shuichi closely following him. The parrot lady opened her beak. "Ah, Mr. Yoo-kee, we've been expecting you at the counter. How would you like to pay?" Yuki held out his credit card. "Fast!" he said. The parrot lady squawked as she took the card and zipped it through the machine. "Awk The total comes to $125 for the one night you stayed." She handed him his card. "awk, Have a nice day, sur." Yuki nabbed the card and dashed out with Shuichi. They took the sidestreets, and just as they were halfway there, police cars were pulling up to the hotel. Somewhere upstairs, a maid was screaming.

They had reached an alleyway off Michigan Ave. by the time they stopped. Shuichi looked up at Yuki. Yuki was lost in his world of cops and fugitives, and Shuichi knew that he wouldn't be able to reach Yuki.

_Around the world in half a day_

_I've seen better things_

_Where my own heart lies_

_(Not sure, never knew, wish I knew. . .)_

_Why the black bird stalks me_

_On it's pinprick talons_

_It's glassy eyes staring into me_

_Figuring me out_

_And making me more afraid_

_Every moving second. . ._

Back at Yuki's apartment, Shuichi had seen Yuki run into the bedroom, slamming the door. Shuichi had followed his movements with eyes glazed over. _I'm so tired, I don't even care. . ._

Yuki was lost again. In and out went the air in his lungs, the breathing getting heavier and heavier. Sweat beaded on all sides of his head. _What do I. . .?_ A box underneath the bed seized his hard stare within minutes. He dashed for it, seizing it and ripping off the innocent lid. Suddenly, his vision was filled with the past. The past himself, and what he had done. Pictures of he himself. And. . .

Shuichi wondered when he'd have to go back to work. He wondered if Yuki's sister was alright. If Tohma was doing good. Tohma. _Tohma. . ._ Shuichi's eyes glazed over instantly. He sank beneath his man-made thought pool, letting himself drown in his nightmares. Something that nobody would doubt that Yuki knew how to do. Shuichi's pink hair wavered about his head in the clear water. _. . .If I stayed like this, would anybody mind? If I decide to. . ._ Shuichi exhumed himself from the bath. He whisked his head about, splattering the tiles and shower curtain with water. The water dripped down from his body onto the floor. It leaked under the door to the hardwood floor outside in the hall. But nobody saw the reflection of the ceiling it gave. With a silent reverence, the water stood there, unbreakable. Maybe what Yuki needed was water. What was Shuichi?

_Murderer, murderer, where can I find you?_

_You take what is precious to me,_

_And run away with a skip to your step?_

_Murderer, murderer, where can you find absolution?_

_Do you think you'll find it in the crack in the wall_

_Or maybe drowning in your thoughts?_

_Murderer, O, murderer, one day you will find,_

_Someone else, who wants to take from you_

_All that you find precious. . ._

Fire. Her hair burned as the sun did. Her eyes a powerful shade of blue-gray. Depression. All that she breathed. Revenge. All that she knew. Marcona, her brother. She had loved him. But he was involved with illegal activities, and to put it more precisely, he was a part of a drug ring. Before long, she barely saw him; he was always out.

And one day. . .

_Sweeties, we're all moths to the flame_

_Letting ourselves be consumed in the pretty nothing_

_Our own person pretty death notes_

_Isn't it wonderful, to live life as we do_

_To die so young, to never grow old_

_To be so naïve, to freeform something_

_So_

_Very_

_COMPLEX. . ._

_Who am I? Where am I? Where do I go. . .from here? Why was I put here for such a terrible purpose? Why did I? Why did I? WHY DID I! krchghrkech. . . DAMMIT, WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME ALREADY! WHY! WHY! TELL ME!_


	4. I Don't Care

I would like to begin this chapter with a song.

Ahem. _Tohma is crazy_

_Crazy crazy crazy_

_Tohma is crazy_

_Crazy Crazier than me Gasp!_

_Tohma is crazy_

_Crazy crazy crazy_

_Tohma is crazy _

_He's clinically insane_

_OHHHHHHHHH_

_Tohma is craaaaaaaaaaaaaazy. . . _

_He kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiills peopllllllllllllllllllllllllle. . ._

_He is craAAAAAAAAAAAzzzzaaaayyyyy. . ._

_He virtually has NO LIFE!_

_Oh, Tohma is crazy_

_Crazy Crazy Crazy_

_Tohma is craaaaaaazay,_

_Crazy Crazjer than me HEY!_

_He is so crazy_

_He pushes people_

_In front of fast cars_

_Tohma is crazy_

_So crazy he's clinicaLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY INSANE!_

So, anybody but me find it obvious I just got done with book #8? Um. . .now that we've extablished that indeed, it twas NOT Yuki who actually killed that one other Yuki, but Tohma did it, and Yuki just chooses to take the blame for it. Um. . .(Nyah, crap. . .) Let me just let this one little fact slip. That little fact just ruined my entire story plot. What the fuck. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! So, I had to think of an entirely new plot. Oh, and this might also be why the last chapter didn't get very far, not to mention it was prolly confusing. Sorry! ()!

_In the blue days that I go through,_

_You're like the only gold that I see_

_Gleaming as a spectacular award_

_For the nothing that I did_

_How did I acquire you?_

_Or,_

_Am I just a pathetic nothing_

_And you're the god in all this_

_I can't wait to hear your opinion_

_But,_

_You're the gold in all my dark blue_

_My deep, malign blue that consumes me_

_And you're the shining star I see in_

_My complete path to my death_

_I have to keep walking this horrible path_

_But when I look up,_

_When I look up,_

_You're the shining star,_

_The glimmer of hope that I see _

_Lying upon the horizon line. . ._

Shuichi Shindou stood in front of the door that would lead to some sort of realization that could change his life forever. The door was blue, a deep sort of sickly blue that pierced into Shuichi's painful heart. Death blue, and it was dripping down into heart and soul.

He stood there, staring with eyes glazed over at the top of the prickly door, almost expecting something to happen. The sobs and pleas coming from the other side did not seem to phase Shuichi.

_I'm impulsive._

_I hurt myself on a whim._

_This is where I've stood_

_For the past few hours_

_The past few hours_

_That have been my life_

_My heart wrenches deep inside_

_Wishing it would all subside_

_Silently seep away_

_Far away from me_

_But I'm impulsive._

_Horrendously impulsive._

_And no one can save me_

_Save me from myself. . ._


	5. Running Away

_Birdie Birdie Birdie_

_How long can you haunt me?_

_Sometimes I wonder if I can let go_

_Let it all flow_

_Out the cracks it caused so deep_

_Birdie Birdie Birdie_

_The deeper you scratch at my skin_

_The more blood that you will find_

_Until you've scratched me into death_

_And fade me into nonexistence_

_But, little black birdie,_

_I love you more than you know_

_Maybe it's the blood that I need to see_

_I need to see it to survive_

_Just so I can know I_

_Cause so much pain, and deep inside_

_I know I can set myself free_

_Time will assist me_

_Let it all go eventually_

_So I can be free. . .me. . .f r e e. . ._

It was Eight o' clock. Shuichi sat in the kitchen. He did not feel like talking to Yuki. He did not want to. To Shuichi right now, Yuki seemed like a hypocritical monkey who flung poo at himself just to see what design it would create on his scarred skin. Monkey poo. The thought made Shuichi giggle a little. It reminded him of how he and Yuki had visited the zoo last year. They had gone to see the monkeys, and the monkeys were doing obscene things. According to the zoo employees, the monkeys had been put on a new distemper shot. Incidentally, the shot was a test. Scientists had created a new formula and the zoo volunteered their monkeys so that the scientist would fund the zoo. The monkeys went crazy that day, and they were picking up their poo and flinging it around, like poo tag or something. One monkey apparently thought Yuki was a lovely target and chucked poo right at Yuki's face. Shuichi remembered that night and how cute Yuki is when he's annoyed. Days were so beautiful back then.

Back when he was ignorant.

Back when he didn't know the truth.

Back when there was no truth.

_Time's so far against us_

_It's running us into a ditch_

_At eighty miles an hour_

_Into the hell we've created_

_Time hates us dead, dear_

_It's pulling us apart_

_It's claws pull our ankles_

_And no matter how hard we try_

_I feel like we're breaking apart_

_Is that okay?_

_Time is okay?_

_Who's okay?_

_I don't want to leave you_

_Not now. . .Not now. . ._

"Shuichi."

Shuichi looked up from the kitchen table and the article on cheese he was reading from the paper. Yuki stood in the kitchen entrance from the hall. He looked like hell, but he held a shoebox in his hand. The box was covered in clippings, clippings that had been cut out from various magazines and pasted with great zeal and cheer. It was the box, the memory box of Shuichi Shindou and Eiri Yuki.

And it was the box that could save them from themselves, finally bringing a stop to the turmoil they suffered.

Maybe. Yuki's eyes were forlorn, yet hopeful and asking for forgiveness. Shuichi furrowed his brow with worry. He felt it. He felt what it meant to be somebody's significant other right then and there. Shuichi wanted to be gentle, so he became humorous. "Our box you have. Sit down and reminisce, you will?"

Yuki's usually hard, icey eyes grew relieved and more happy than anyone could ever imagine that Yuki could be. He smiled a small smile and sat down at the table, opening the box of memories. Sweet memories of everything. Hard times, sad times, happy times. That box made it seem like they've been around the relationship world several hundred times.

_I love you more than you'll ever know_

_I'll walk a thousand miles, in the blistering snow_

_You help me to understand what this is_

_You let me understand to help myself_

_You're more valuable than you'll ever know_

_To me, you're like a rare undersea treasure_

_That I fell upon when my ship sank_

_Because I shot it up with bullets and guns_

_To see what would happen to me_

_If it sank, and I drowned_

_But then there you were_

_And you stopped me_

_And I love you more than you'll ever know_

Yuki appreciated a good black bird. The raven wasn't so bad now that he knew what it said. What it said.

"Yuki, why do you do it?"

Shuichi's eyes were full of concern for Yuki. They had been looking at pictures from the past for around an hour now. Pictures of Yuki and Shuichi on the beach, pictures of Yuki and Shuichi around the city, notes that they exchanged when they wanted to blab a lot but didn't have time to speak, mementos that seemed insignificant unless one considered how much sentimental value it contained between these two lovers.

Yuki was once again the mouse in the corner, even afraid to attack that was how much Shuichi meant to him. But he could do it. He could accept that Shuichi was a god trying to help him with his infinite powers. "I don't know why." Both lovers sighed, one of exasperation and worry and the other because he didn't know how to explain it. "Sometimes, I feel like everything is against me. Sometimes I get a high off the attention, y'know what I mean? A high of other people seeing how. . ." Yuki suddenly had the prospect of looking at himself. Really, truly, looking AT himself. His facial expression shifted uncomfortably into a more hurtful expression. "I guess, seeing how messed up I am." Yuki looked down at the table.

Shuichi lowered his eyebrows, angry that Yuki would continue to hate himself, never changing like a volcano that never moved and continued to explode, hurting itself and everybody around it. Yuki looked at Shuichi's expression, and that was all it took for Yuki to be surprised in his infinite depression.

Shuichi smiled.

"Y'know, once upon a time I hated myself."

Yuki's surprise increased. "I don't understand."

Shuichi looked into Yuki's eyes. "Before I got where I am now, I always was so negative toward my own music."

He shifted his gaze to the ceiling in memory of his problems.

"I would sometimes get so angry at myself I'd yell and scream, and I'd get so frustrated, like a small child. Most of my lyrics I'd burn or tear up and throw away. Some I'd shred in a shredder, and once I even ate it."

Yuki lifted his eyebrows. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. The black bird has white spots?

Shuichi looked back at Yuki. "Hiro would always tell me that he loved my lyrics, that there was no reason for me to rip them up. He always supported me." His smile widened, and he looked as if he was about to cry. "One day, I had left my notebook wide open. Some crappy lyric was on the top, and when Hiro and I left the house, that top page left with it. Hiro had it in his pocket the whole time we were out, and when he got home, he posted it anonymously on the internet. I didn't know about it."

Shuichi giggled to himself. "Ten days later, Hiro finally told me about it. At first I was furious, but then he showed me the comments that the lyric received. They loved it. People absolutely loved it. They actually wanted to hear more."

Shuichi looked down. Yuki was still curious, though. "What does this have to do with me?"

Shuichi looked deep into Yuki's eyes. "It means that you're worth more than you give yourself credit for."

Yuki crossed his brow. He shut his eyes in frustration that resided sheerly within himself. "How does that apply to me? How can I possibly give myself credit for something so horribly wrong?"

Shuichi was furious that his boyfriend would think that of himself. He grabbed Yuki's shirt collar and pulled Yuki close to his face, with Yuki feeling very surprised.

First, he glared deep into Yuki's eyes. Then. . .

"It's in the past. It's all in the past. Why can't you let it go? You keep thinking you're so scarred, but it wasn't even your fault. I can't believe you'd think so lowly of yourself." With that, Shuichi pushed Yuki back, releasing him and leaving him in utter awe and realization.

Shuichi stood up. "I don't know how long I can stand to see you like this. You've been like this since you dug up that corpse of Yuki in the garage. You know that was Tohma's fault; it had nothing to do with you."

Yuki widened his eyes. "You saw that? Why didn't you say anything? I never wanted you to see that!"

Shuichi couldn't stand it anymore. He right out and slapped Yuki.

"Didn't you hear a word I said? It's in the past! It wasn't your fault! And until you finally listen to me, I'm leaving!"

He stormed off toward the door.

Yuki tried calling after him, "Where're you going!"

Shuichi just wheeled around once before leaving. "OUT!"

_With you I feel so like me_

_With you I feel just so free_

_You let me see_

_Just what I am_

_And it's just so beautiful_

_That I have you_

_But wait-_

_Where're you going?_

_Wait-_

_I thought-_

_But wait-_

_What happened?_

_Spinning out of control_

_I can't handle it anymore_

_I wonder where my solution lies_

_I can't help but hear the black bird's cries_

_They pierce deep into my soul_

_They spin me out of control_

_Where do I go from here?_

_Where's my cheer?_

_Only my fear. . ._

_Is left._


	6. Trying His Best

"_Well it's a lonely road that you have chosen_

_Morning comes_

_And you don't want to know me anymore_

_And it's a long time since your heart's been frozen_

_Morning comes_

_And you don't want to know me anymore_

_For a moment your eyes open and you know_

_All the things I ever wanted you to know_

_I don't know you and I don't want to_

_Till the moment your eyes open and you know_

_That's it's a lonely place that you have run to_

_Morning comes _

_And you don't want to know me anymore_

_And it's a lonely place that you will come to_

_Morning comes_

_And you don't want to know me anymore_

_For a moment your eyes open and you know_

_All the things I ever wanted you to know_

_I don't know you and I don't want to_

_Till the moment your eyes open and you know_

_For a moment your eyes open and you know_

_All the things I ever wanted you to know_

_I don't know you and I don't want to_

_Till the moment your eyes open and you know"_

_-_Keane, "Your Eyes Open"

From the album "Hopes and Fears"

Author's note: It helps if you listen to this song as you read! ();

Sometimes I don't feel like we should stay together. I don't feel like I know him anymore. Ever since that day I found him digging in the garage. Ever since that day that Tohma was arrested. Nothing's been the same. I honestly wonder what Tohma is doing right now, rotting in prison, possibly going mad. My God, it's raining again. Maybe it never stopped raining since this morning. I don't know. I wouldn't know. I don't know everything else, why not this?

TICKTOCK. The second hand killed Yuki every time it moved. It told him how far he is from his old, sane self. And now it told him how far he was from Shuichi, how long it's been since he walked out of the door. Yuki didn't want to listen to Shuichi. Yuki was too stubborn. But that was his mindset before. It was past midnight. Yuki was too tired to do anything right now. His hardened eyes started tearing as he looked at the clock. He knew that if he smashed the clock, Shuichi would be angry, so he took it down and shoved it in a drawer. He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes, but it wouldn't stop. He gave up and ran to his room and cried himself to sleep.

His dreams were nightmares. But they had nothing to do with the murder of Yuki. Dreams of Shuichi, how beautiful it was in Disneyland, how great it was to be with him. Nightmares about what would happen if Shuichi left him. Great ravens coming across the planes, an angry face, foreboding graves. And then a loud alarm that marked Shuichi's leaving. RINGRINGRING!

Six O' clock. Yuki wondered why the hell he had set the alarm clock. In his sleepy daze, he had no idea how to turn it off, so he ripped it out of the socket and chucked it out the open window, letting it smash on the concrete driveway. In his sleepy head, the alarm clock was fine, because it could fly, just like a raven. Of course, the second he had went back to bed, he realized that this was reality, and he had just chucked his alarm clock out a second story window.

Much profuse swearing ensued, and thus Eiri Yuki was finally up.

Shuichi had stayed at Hiro's house for the night. Hiro couldn't turn down a teary face that cried "breakup." A storytelling happened, a cup of tea, and then Shuichi slept on the couch. And in the morning came hell.

"_When you, when you forget your name_

_When old faces all look the same_

_Meet me in the morning when you wake up_

_Meet me in the morning then you'll wake up_

_I only I don't bend and break_

_I'll meet you on the other side_

_I'll meet you in the light_

_If only I don't suffocate_

_I'll meet you in the morning when you wake_

_Lovesick, bitter and hardened heart_

_Aching, waiting for life to start_

_Meet me in the morning when you wake up_

_Meet me in the morning then you'll wake up_

_If only I don't bend and break_

_I'll meet you on the other side_

_I'll meet you in the light_

_If only I don't suffocate_

_I'll meet you in the morning when you wake"_

-Once again, Keane, who seem to symbolize this entire story. . .();

"Bend and Break," from their fabulous album, "Hopes and Fears."

Quick survey: How many of you can tell that this is shameless advertising?

Yuki looked out the window, hoping to God that he'd see Shuichi. Eventually, he gave up; Shuichi wasn't much of a "go to" guy. Yuki smiled, said "crap," and put on his coat. Chances were that Shuichi was at Hiro's house. The plan was to go there and do whatever he could to get the best thing that Yuki ever had back.

That is, if nothing stopped him on his way.


	7. Getting Caught

Shuichi and Hiro sat down for breakfast. Hiro was cooking, he sat down a plate in front of Shuichi that had eggs and pancakes, but the most that Shuichi could do was poke at it. He kept thinking of the dead corpse that Yuki dug up from the garage.

You see, once upon a time, Tohma, Yuki, and Shuichi lived in the same house. They lived in harmony for a while, until there came a time Tohma started coming out about how he loved Yuki. Shuichi was not comfortable with this, and tried to tell Tohma off without being to rude about it. Tohma became crazed with the entire situation. One day, Tohma was acting bizarre, talking to himself, speaking menacingly, and constantly referring to how he saved Eiri Yuki. That night, Shuichi had walked out to the separate garage to put the garbage away. He opened the silent door.

What he saw was a disaster.

Yuki was in a large ditch with a corpse in his hands. When Yuki turned around, Shuichi was out of sight behind a tree where Yuki couldn't see him. Once Yuki slammed the house door, Shuichi heard yelling and mad laughter. Once he heard the screams from Tohma, then the muffled screams as if his mouth had been covered in duct tape, Shuichi had started to cry. He was too frightened to move from that tree. About ten minutes later, police cars arrived and took the tied up Tohma away. An ambulance gathered up the body of the dead Yuki, and carried it off.

At some point, Shuichi managed to find a break in time where he could run to his bedroom and pretend to sleep without anyone noticing. Yuki came bursting into his room five minutes later and told Shuichi to get up. Shuichi pretended to look confused. Yuki said in a somewhat condescending tone, "There's something wrong with Tohma. He's going to a mental institution. Start packing. We're leaving."

Shuichi had started to pack, still acting confused, but once Yuki left that room, he started crying silently. By the time Yuki arrived at the door again, Shuichi perfected his "dazed and confused" charade.

The next few days involved staying at a hotel, where Yuki received and made several phone calls to and from the police. One day, Yuki announced that the court date was two weeks from then.

Two weeks passed with much faked confusion on Shuichi's behalf, and at 11:00 am they drove off to the state courthouse. Tohma sat in the defendant's seat, hands cuffed and a shoddy lawyer that had been given by the state sitting next to him because his money had been shared with Yuki, and that had been cut off. His company was taken over by Sakano, so Tohma had no money leftover for a good lawyer.

The event almost killed Shuichi deep inside, for he knew what was going on, but he couldn't show it. He didn't want Yuki to worry about him. At one point, Shuichi had to go to the bathroom and let it all out.

The verdict came at 2:00 pm, and Tohma was found to be guilty of first-degree murder of one Marcona D'Angelo.

A few days later, Shuichi Shindou and Eiri Yuki moved into an apartment building.

That was six months ago.

Shuichi kept up his charade for that long, until last night. Apparently, keeping it in wasn't the best thing in the world. In fact, it's killing them.

Yuki had hailed a taxi, for Hiro's apartment was on the other side of town. It should've been suspicious to him when the driver started taking a bizarre route, but Yuki was too fixed on what he should say to Shuichi.

Suddenly, the taxi stopped in an alley. Yuki, surprised and slightly frightened, asked the driver what they were doing here.

The driver pointed a gun at him, and Yuki was silent. She took off the hat and let down her long, blonde hair and pulled off her sunglasses and these venomous blue-gray eyes glared into Yuki's blue ones.

"What do you want?" Yuki's voice escaped.  
"I want to know everything there is to know about Tohma Seguchi. And I want to know NOW."

Yuki narrowed his eyes. "What do you want to know?"

Angry tears flowed out of her eyes.

"Why he killed my brother for you!"


End file.
